Always

Immerse yourself in my intoxication and while you are drinking me drop by drop, open yourself a little. An acquired taste, an unsettling experience, that familiar feeling of you stumbling upon a dark truth and your heart being swallowed whole.  Is that as per your expectations?

 

I hope not when one like me has practiced enough and spent their entire life belittling themselves to morph into an undercurrent. Let me stay latent in your veins and remember we tried our best. Years will pass as per their purpose and we will thrive on this road towards home. Do not waste a single breath looking for that connection because I'm here.

 

Always. 

All the Children, All Insane.

Wondering who picked the color of grey streets

We walked infinitely, submerged inwards

Generations back, they called us poor thinkers

We wondered and pondered and unearthed

What made the once graceful nights lethargic

They don’t grasp the full moon anymore

As we march aimless, our hands spread wildly

Some of us dancing to the vibration in train tracks

I question the sanity of the land around

Well-oiled flesh suits running amok

Hearts so weak and the souls trapped

I show them the rising hair on the back of my neck

I’m labelled disabled, they snatch my heart away

I wasn’t careful; I let it dangle on my sleeve

My friends help me, only a few times

The night is expanding its arms tightly now

It’s quiet and I can smell her grip

My love is unspoken and buried, I try to give up

So I create a world to touch the blissful

*Jolted suddenly by this ghostly beauty

With sun in her skin so deep

Flowing red hair glistening, I almost weep

She has taken my hands softly

As she whispers feathery notes in my ear

 “You and me ? You, inexplicable lover. We’re rare.”

I stare intently with no intentions

I am lost, I am the breeze, I am the silence*

My friends are still rhythmically moving

 Now they sing too

“When the music’s over, turn out the lights”

And it’s too late, too late

So we wonder again

How to be insane

In a world so tragically sane.

Feels of Time and Me.

Are you still looking to be friends with time?

Discovering home was always in your heart?

Might be on the streets you once tasted the dust

Could be the boring toy you fiddled with

Inside her hair, hidden from your curiosity

Remember the mud pouch you found the worms in

How brutally refreshing the rain was

As I wander around the memories clueless

I see a compelling authenticity

Moments holding ages, captured in my fist

Growing up was never your forte

It was honest compulsion, a way of nature

A product of habit, bordering the extremes

Hey mother, when did you get the creases on forehead?

Father, when did we stop singing together?

Time has made me learn to not count breaths

Just feeling them is enough

Distances which help me dream and imagine

All that I could never speak

An entire world slips away from you

To arrive in a new one, absorb!

Mortality was always a gift

Takes a lifetime to grasp it

I thought solitude was the answer

But we came here to love

That will always be our purpose

Breathing in the enormity of these feelings

I don’t question the intensity anymore

Farewells will always be gut wrenching

Don’t question the human in you,

Love defines overwhelming

Let it consume you willingly

Time has a limited track for us

It is fair in an unfair way

Again I lose myself in the memories

And I discover you all

And I discover me.

Subservient

I'm not a river you can drown into,
not a stone either to help you.
I might be a speck of cloud in the sky,
bursting my veins to keep you calm.
Sometimes, when I speak the truth
Those are the days you are deaf.
Pretense will help you but not me
This universe could not accept
The idea of  'Always'.

We All Know But Don’t.

Peeping out of the cigarette stain

Ruminating its thoughtful discard

Habit wasn’t how he would define her

She was one of those infinitely long train journeys

His unfocused gaze morphing shapes in thin air

Ending up as her face

She could be anything he saw

Do you see how blind the situation is?

He could not.

Talk he could, till exhaustion

Searching the wonder which

Vanished as the start of a dream

Connections he felt, on surface

Depth was already taken

Carving the name on pages

Oddly satisfying his urges

There would be no books he would write

He won’t share her with the world

Do you see how beautiful the writing was?

He could not.

I saw him born and raised

So many moons he wasted

Devouring the words, no outlet

Brown pages to smell

Grey thoughts to paint

So he wrote her a thousand pages

He asked me kindly

“I don’t see her anywhere

You tell her, be the messenger

Tell her, I write to you”

How could I, silence is my gift

Reconcile when your dreams shift

I be the messenger?

I could not. 

Dear Time

Today, I wrapped up time in a piece of paper and threw it away. Stillness abounds, all I remember are faint words I wrote in that time. I caressed them gently with my fierce imagination. 

Today, I struck a dagger in their heart and I'm apologizing with all my might but some curtains do not go back up. No, I cannot even burn them. 

Today, I sacrificed my self and I lost respect from the abundant sky and the running water. Learning a lesson slowly but it's too isolating. 

Whom do I pursue? What do I chase? Words will not heal you and neither will I.

Today, I don't need your help as it means nothing. Don't wake me up now. I'm traveling deep and the vibrations are finally in sync now.

Today, home is nothing but scratched mortar. You thought catharsis was the end but our story is a loop of constant cliffhangers with just my own hand to support.

Today, I bid you permanence and snatch my temporary originality. I hope you grow and befriend the trees.  This day I leave and dear time, you just be.

Little Blue Something - Addiction Diaries

My little blue something

Maybe I'm living now

Waiting on that autumn day

Which will soon reach it's end

Making us honest to say

All the things we never do

A moment laced in gray

When all the world will slip away

And the mornings fade

From me and from you.

My little blue something

I hope you take a drop of me

Every time you kneel and pray

To build more fences around

To end the sky before it starts

To rephrase the answers

You really hope you never give

I understand.

My little blue something

Would you let the world know

That I tried my best to swim

With your voice to calm me

Will you be there to take 

A walk alongside the levee

When the paper moons I made

Don't shine anymore.

My little blue something

I hope I can be the distant star

When you are lost on the highway

You can track me down

Maybe we will find the fields

Together we will let us down

Dressing up the morning 

In that love torn gown

My little blue wherever

I know you can clearly read

The writing on the wall

I read all there is between the lines

I know it's a sin so compelling

Relying on that day so uncertain

I have written the warnings

In my head, again and again.

Requiem

Imprinted in white and black

My colorless botheration upon that

Aloof wooden platform burnt down

Leaving us a transcendent stage

To perform our dusty soul dance

Rising upon these earthy temptations 

Are you and me, writhing and lamenting

For what could have been

Therapeutic lust of wishful thinking.

Water so blue, hidden in you it flows

drowning all my cards away

Now which one should I play?

Deformed desires carving deep

Few new questions, seeping in

Is the ink etched on your scars

so deeply hidden behind a fence.

Distant echoes of my calls

To this life secretly built

Nothing will suffice now

So lets slow dance and burn together

Waiting for the dying sun

Another night of busted wishes

All alone in all of the crumpled walls

Holding hands of whims dying

Along with us.

Exist

Another starry night
to drill holes in the paper
to succumb, to wallow
to just exist, to stare at sleep
to tell need is not the crux.

Dreaming riddles through
seven pounds of me
to fill voids
to draw curtains
to let it all go
thread of mornings
tied together
weak glue, strong blue.

A pattern in ring of smoke?
or is it another puzzle
to get involved in
to drain, to win and lose
So I stay awake
Clouds are ashamed
I stare too hard
they don't need admiration
they feel unworthy
they don't need my words
I tell them they deserve it
I try though, it's how I am
Somebody does it
to exist, to survive
to live freely and fully.

Design

I talk to you in my dreams
collect all those conversations
extract their essence in the mini capsules
I wash them down with steel cans
whenever I'm turning bad
forgetting how to walk.

This shivering inside the blanket
it's the impatience inviting the cold 
Glances through the screen so old
peeling off the ember, all wrong places
Have I told you about the mocking walls

careworn but judgmental bricks.

Can I listen to all your misery

I don't care about the phases

This could be forever

it doesn't matter, it augments affinity

Poisoned lungs and charred tissue

share them in this pristine time.

Each passing sunlight bottled

we forget what got us here

Forgetting how to fly

through our promises

Love is a mere liability

imbalance sprinting through

soluble in the arteries

This was my design.