Little Blue Something - Addiction Diaries

My little blue something

Maybe I'm living now

Waiting on that autumn day

Which will soon reach it's end

Making us honest to say

All the things we never do

A moment laced in gray

When all the world will slip away

And the mornings fade

From me and from you.

My little blue something

I hope you take a drop of me

Every time you kneel and pray

To build more fences around

To end the sky before it starts

To rephrase the answers

You really hope you never give

I understand.

My little blue something

Would you let the world know

That I tried my best to swim

With your voice to calm me

Will you be there to take 

A walk alongside the levee

When the paper moons I made

Don't shine anymore.

My little blue something

I hope I can be the distant star

When you are lost on the highway

You can track me down

Maybe we will find the fields

Together we will let us down

Dressing up the morning 

In that love torn gown

My little blue wherever

I know you can clearly read

The writing on the wall

I read all there is between the lines

I know it's a sin so compelling

Relying on that day so uncertain

I have written the warnings

In my head, again and again.

Requiem

Imprinted in white and black

My colorless botheration upon that

Aloof wooden platform burnt down

Leaving us a transcendent stage

To perform our dusty soul dance

Rising upon these earthy temptations 

Are you and me, writhing and lamenting

For what could have been

Therapeutic lust of wishful thinking.

Water so blue, hidden in you it flows

drowning all my cards away

Now which one should I play?

Deformed desires carving deep

Few new questions, seeping in

Is the ink etched on your scars

so deeply hidden behind a fence.

Distant echoes of my calls

To this life secretly built

Nothing will suffice now

So lets slow dance and burn together

Waiting for the dying sun

Another night of busted wishes

All alone in all of the crumpled walls

Holding hands of whims dying

Along with us.

Exist

Another starry night
to drill holes in the paper
to succumb, to wallow
to just exist, to stare at sleep
to tell need is not the crux.

Dreaming riddles through
seven pounds of me
to fill voids
to draw curtains
to let it all go
thread of mornings
tied together
weak glue, strong blue.

A pattern in ring of smoke?
or is it another puzzle
to get involved in
to drain, to win and lose
So I stay awake
Clouds are ashamed
I stare too hard
they don't need admiration
they feel unworthy
they don't need my words
I tell them they deserve it
I try though, it's how I am
Somebody does it
to exist, to survive
to live freely and fully.

Design

I talk to you in my dreams
collect all those conversations
extract their essence in the mini capsules
I wash them down with steel cans
whenever I'm turning bad
forgetting how to walk.

This shivering inside the blanket
it's the impatience inviting the cold 
Glances through the screen so old
peeling off the ember, all wrong places
Have I told you about the mocking walls

careworn but judgmental bricks.

Can I listen to all your misery

I don't care about the phases

This could be forever

it doesn't matter, it augments affinity

Poisoned lungs and charred tissue

share them in this pristine time.

Each passing sunlight bottled

we forget what got us here

Forgetting how to fly

through our promises

Love is a mere liability

imbalance sprinting through

soluble in the arteries

This was my design.

Hide & Seek

Desires limbering up
through eons of night
familiar stale mornings
devouring my infant whims
creases creeping inside
thoughts neatly fold up
a colorless photograph
demanding swift glances

Where are you?
you impregnable want
building up in blood
What are you?
That compelling question
the unfathomable blank to fill
O timorous being, come out
I have the strength to hold
I think you know what to do!
Where will you be
amidst the calm seas
while I raise storms
as I search fervently

I'm still trailing you
I don't think there is an end
to this disquiet,
boiling inside to out
The endless field awaits
breeding circumstances
which we shaped long ago
Lets stop living dead
transpire out of this meat suit
and the war will be over.

Misdirection

Is it the culmination or a sound start
of the horrid stench of boredom
the waters here are muddy
and the sun swarmed by avians
Claustrophobic distances stretching out
the weak knots, I'm petrified.

Recognizing self, an enigma
after all, what is self
if not contradictory.

Thoughts etched in your skin
tell me a story about dreams
weave false tales from memory
let me in your paranoia
and praise my protruding flaws
Dissolving our silences away

A walk in the alley,
A trainspotting
A promise to be kept.

And Then.

A dream to taste the immortal

And then

An envy for the ordinary

A battle to lose without being fought

And then

A little help for the answers temporary 

A painting of your wind swept hair

Revealing the manifestation 

And then

The smothered desires

A talk to let you know about the fall

And then

A hand to be the guiding light

A perenially hovering thought

And then

A petal plucked but frozen midair

A wish to mean someone 

And then

A vaccum of eternity

A deal with the devil to cope 

And then 

A drifting walk to the desert

A little hope to be part of your life

And then

A stifled scream to exorcise.

Without.

Let's talk about thresholds

Why not trespass them 

Let's freely cross the fences

rather why have fences at all?

Let's talk about being reckless

the storm before the storm

the euphoric blend of danger

who grounded the boundaries

who told you the wrongs and rights

about biting the lips apart

about that cerebral high

who built those hurdles

hop on and let me help

off you go then

once you fly though

just remember me

once in a while

I don't do too well

without.

Sour Symphony

Flaky love calcified with dead skin fragments
Measured by sun’s death and resurrection
More consolation beckoning this road
Mornings circumscribed by unuttered
Falsified dreams of bohemian travel
Laughter and more laughter your way
Taste of the untouchable veins
Put some of me in your ink drip
Burn that paper of reckoning truth
Soothing flames to grace the shelf
Make it hard to divulge the song
to bring you home bare and forgotten.

It Doesn't Hold.

Welcome, to the desolate swings

eternally waiting yet a little hopeful

let us fill their hopeless emptiness

with our own warped reality

Your tales of underground

in which I place myself dreamily

a faint smile is my day of glory

I've something to give to swings

this extinct language we speak

beyond all the grass laden fields

far off the constraints shrouded in love

permeating slowly, we are swinging

could we caress ephemerally

forgetting our obligatory guilt

let me stitch up that hovering doubt

coerce you tenderly in night

manifesting the words unsaid

clocks run out, altering the events

nobody knows or relates

pushed buttons, home too soon

true freedom concealed in loss

of everything, each day presents

a novel method for that fall

Now I know the way it unfolds

It doesn't hold.

Benign Thoughts?

do you witness the harm of thoughts,
the designed valley of grandeur allusions
do you know the stomped on desires
flapping on the carpet for their last breath
could you ever feel that agonizing wait
growing every second in a jarred clock
for the steel gates to open and welcome
do you still possess those goosebumps
they got extinct a few summer years before
self deprecated form of oppression
such an art, hanging by the ceiling
have you completely lost the pathway
I could help you if you find me there
wandering on the macabre street
would you realize what you were here for
or have you for ever made peace with
no purpose, silence and yearning.

Tracking

Welled up at the forgotten path of self constructed delusions, fresh air is hard to come by. 
Moment it does, the projections begin and that was the last time I tracked myself.

Cast Aside!

Marinating in this Valium of abstraction, layer by layer it engulfs my desires. 
I have lost sight of the destination, prevalent though she is in my thoughts. 
Traversing her pre decided contours I stop and wonder! 
And keep on.

To Be

Flexed throats
Blood coughs
Electric shocks
Pinched skin
Arctic winds
To feel alive
Pervert imagination
Rejected romance
One sided streets
Loss of time
Unfulfilled now
To feel alive.

Pretty?

A pretty girl, she always wanted to be

Her naturally butchered eyes bulged

Betrayed her deeply ingrained wish

To be a mirror’s friend, she wanted

All they did was frown upon her

She punished herself religiously

surrounding herself with mirrors

Screaming all day long at the face

This was no tragedy, a proud mother

Hiding behind her own demons

How could she be a safe haven

For such an abomination

Love and hate kept dueling

White powder and that bourbon

Emptiness filled her carcass

Years kept rolling on the wheels

Women of house they both were

Lost in their inner sanctum

There could be no recognition

Mind corrupted with reborn filth

Mechanized tubes filled with smoke

The mirrors were remnants of glass

The shards etched vertically

All across her fragile skin

all went right, she had let go

Of all the squalor, the mirror face

Mother had her final drunken stupor

She saw the girl, all colored

Sleeping so peacefully

Now she was finally pretty.

Jenny's Day In

Peeking behind the curtains
Dust stains reveal the perished
Jenny stays hungry, still waiting
She is bitter, lost in melancholy
Her soar throat cannot stretch
Tied to that last thread of hope
She decides to cut it herself
When will the bell ring, she wonders
While scratching and clawing
Her skin is almost thin
Bordering the sinew, she barks 
For that one last time
If only Tim could hear her
Sleeping with a rope around
His neck so fragile
The room would be his cemetery 
He made sure, Sorry Jenny.

A Puzzle of Calm

So for all the approaching infinities
Lets maintain that tiny speck
Of thin veil, that shroud of mystical aura
A firm and hopeful request
To deliberately hide that piece
Missing from the evolving puzzle
Let us never find a solution
For I'm afraid it could all slip
Carefully constructed mask of calm
For I'm petrified of the prospect
Of the curtain closing on the audience
Maybe lets take a dive into identity crisis
To keep slipping away from the abyss
Which is bustling with the undisclosed
Till this frozen lake thaws in time
That life is alive with new beginning.